i asked for it.

boy, did i ask for it. over and over again, i asked for it. begged for it, even.

and now i’ve got it, and i haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate it. boy, do i hate it.

let me backtrack: when i was nineteen, i started feeling so flat and numb and unable to cope with life that i left university, went home, crawled into a double-duvet cocoon on the sofa and pretty much stayed there. i was depressed, my counsellor was a flake, anti-depressants didn’t work for me, and i couldn’t feel a thing. i prayed, begged and bargained with the universe and god (who i didn’t believe in, btw) to make it better. i didn’t even want to be happy - i just wanted to feel something, even if it was bad. anything would be better than nothing.

fast forward through eight years of mental and physical health challenges which caused me to have (major understatement coming up!) an atypical twenties experience. almost two months ago, i underwent the manifest abundance retreat, part of the journey programme which regular readers will know i’m obsessed with a big fan of.

the last part of the retreat was the time when, all shiny and cried-out and open and honest, we let our intuition tell us what god/grace/the universe (whichever you prefer) most wanted for us.

for me: healing on all levels. not only did we admit it to ourselves, we stood in the middle of a truth circle, said it out loud, and everyone in the circle focused on it. it felt physically hot in the centre of that circle, and i was spooked.

the very next day, the crap started coming. i had trouble with just about every aspect of my journey back, got home and cried for about four hours straight. it was agony. and yet i KNEW. i knew the universe was doing exactly as i asked. ever since, i’ve been getting regular challenges, some smaller than others, some embarrassing and stupid. all of them flagging up things i haven’t dealt with, releasing pent up emotions i’d rather deny i had.

but it’s all helping me to heal. you see, i know that my illness was caused in large part by my suppressing upsetting emotions since childhood in an effort to be a ‘coper’. (argh - never be a coper, people! fall apart, it’s healthier). i know now that all those emotions have to be felt - and as i can’t go back in time, now will have to do. this is what i asked, prayed, begged and cajoled for. i wanted this. who knew it would feel so bad?!

i truly believe that once i’ve finally worked through all this raw emotion, felt the pain and healed the wounds of the past, i’ll be transformed, and happy, and healed on all levels. just like i’ve always wanted. in the meantime, my emotions are like a small ship on a very rough and blustery sea.

turns out you really do have to be careful what you wish for, because how it happens is out of your hands.

and you might haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate it.